The trials and tribulations of a detox

The days were yawning into short days and longer nights. I lay in bed exhausted and not really in the world. John had prepared to leave on his flight to Germany. I couldn’t even manage to lift my head….something had to change. I had spoken to my pain management specialist about 4 months ago, we both suggested that the Morphine Sulphate was not having a good effect on me and really having no bearing on the pain I experience. I suggested that I may try to see if it was doing anything for me but that was as far as we got. He had decided to discharge me from the clinic so I could easily detox in my own time with a GP’s help.
John left for Germany and I laid out my vast array of tablets for the week.   When you end up taking 10 different tablets just to get some sleep that surely indicated something wasn’t in balance.  In the morning, taking an almost lethal cocktail just to enable my body to feel less pain so I could get up, indicated that everything was out of balance. So at this point I realised that I wasn’t going to have enough Morphine Sulphate to last the full week thinking ‘this is it’ I had to give it a go. By Sunday I was really running out of morphine sulphate and it was closer to the pinch point. I slowly reduced the dose until by Sunday I was ready. John was back and I could really give it a go in safety.
I went to see the doctor on Tuesday afternoon to make sure I was doing things correctly.  He asked me if I wanted more so I could detox slowly.  I didn’t see the point of playing at it so I opted for a complete ‘cold turkey’ approach. I was by this time into day 2 and I was buzzing but not much else.  By the time we had got back home I had been sneezing and was really cold. Putting this down to a chill I went to bed to warm up. By that evening I was well into the detox and when they say it is painful, they really mean it.  I felt as if all the blood and marrow had drained out of my right hand side and was really uncomfortable.  You know that feeling you get after spending the night sleeping on your arm and shoulder and just after releasing but before the ‘pins and needles’…..that pain?  Well amplify that and you get the picture.  It was so painful that it kept me up all night.  I was determined to not give in and just get through it.  I can understand why heroin addicts cannot detox.  It is painful and your mind keeps telling you to take some more, anything to get rid of the pain! It was Wednesday…

Day 3 I felt so ill that I didn’t get up out of bed.  I shivered and then was too hot then sneezing, watery eyes and generally felt really rough. The goose bumps from shivering are in fact the reason it’s called ‘cold turkey’, something I didn’t really associate the detox with.  That graving for the morphine was now getting stronger but I am so much stronger than that so didn’t give in to it. At night the pain increased and man was it painful.  My brain had been busy during the day but now had nothing much to do but remind me of the most dreadful pain you can imagine. Well ladies I understand childbirth is more painful but you get the picture.
At last it was day 4.  This day seemed to be the most sever.  I wasn’t prepared for it really.  I gritted my teeth; I was not going to give in now. I had come through the bad days now just had to get through the worst 2 days and I would be fine.  I was so wrong! I didn’t know where to put my right arm. Up above my head, straight up, hanging down, chopping it off!  That would have helped but wasn’t an option. Boy was it so painful.  It was a pain I couldn’t explain, it was just there.  The best I could do was explaining it as before, all blood and marrow out of the arm, just before ‘pins and needles’.  My phantom cold got worse; I couldn’t stop yawing and my teary eyes? Well that was just a nuisance.  All I kept saying to myself was ‘patience girl, patience’. By the end of that evening the pain was so strong I had to take a pain killer… ah that worked not so bad now and in any case it was finally day 5.
Detoxing from a drug which essentially is heroin is no easy task. Day 5 brought with it its own problems.  I was really ill. I had what amounted to a severe cold with a head that ached. Nothing can prepare you for the pain. The day past without much movement from the bed. Day 6 was just as bad. Slowly but steadily the pain diminished. Nausea was replaced by not much interest in food. John said It was a good thing because I wouldn’t die of starvation…cheeky monkey! Day after day things improved but the sneezing and cold just wouldn’t go away.  Headaches were replaced with sinus problems.  What next I thought?  I knew that it would take a little more time to get over the worst. By this time it was day 7.

On day 8 there was a remarkable change. I had to eat.  I wasn’t hungry but wanted to devour everything in sight. The munchies had arrived.  I was really happy that the change had occurred because I knew that the worst was over. Day 9 and 10 were pretty much the same.  Eating everything in sight. It was so difficult to moderate the eating but I did try really hard and failed! Day 11 was a bummer, the cold was back.  Apatite was gone and patience was at its worst. That was the famous relapse that was mentioned in the withdrawal notes. If I could get through the next 2 days I would be well on the way to kicking the habit, so to speak! At this time I was down to 10mg every other day of the detox from the anti-depressant too.  It was a difficult decision to run the 2 detoxes in parallel but it was the only way to shake off the drugs that were causing so much harm to my body. I was warned that by day 10 I would slide into a low level depression. That did happen but I knew I had to do it in order that I come out the other side feeling like a person not a pain ridden, puffy, shadow of myself.
By the time the 3rd week had ended I was really feeling better. I had been taking the anti-inflammatory for 3 weeks and the pain had reduced enough that I could do a few things around the home.  I wasn’t so well cured that I could walk, run and jump but I was sufficiently pain free that I could go into my workshop and really work on the commissions I had received. If people had faith in me I could have faith in me too!  By the end of the 4th week I had stopped the anti-depressants and the morphine sulphate and things looked good.

I have had a few relapses since then. Depression is a hard one to beat and I don’t know how to improve it other than just be brave and keep at it. I’m not sure at this stage if the depression is a permanent thing in my life and I’ll just have to deal with it or if it is a by-product of stopping the two drugs together. It’s early days yet and I have to be patient, something I am not very good at. Since then I have had a cold again, the sneezing is a factor. I am told that the sneezing and shedding of cells in the vital organs will continue until there is very little trace of the morphine sulphate left. The pain is at a bearable and I have managed to be of more use around the house. Life is a little more eventful and maybe next week I can go to the silversmithing class again.  That is then and I’ll worry about it when the time comes.

What's in a design?

The concept of designing is quite frightening to most of us, me included!  When I began to make necklaces, I began with making very regular, well ordered and not really inspiring. Soon after my adventure into the Poynton Show and the fact that I didn't sell a single necklace (sold beads but nothing else) I decided that I needed divine inspiration.  That came in the form of a wholesale shop that sold really nice gemstone beads.  The selection was varied but nothing was exceptional.  However I did begin to combine different beads and large silver accent beads. The upshot of that adventure meant selling lots more necklaces. I still felt that I wasn't making really good works of art! I did learn that making works of art really doesn't sell well.

In 2009 I began classes in silversmithing at the local Guild. We are really lucky to have a guild and to be able to do further adult education, just down the road, what a pleasure.  I began by making a letter opener for my husband .  The first feel of the silver was weird. I could imagine what I wanted, whether or not I could make it remained to be seen! A year later and a letter opener was produced!..umm to mild acclaim.

In 2009 I wanted to start making things to sell. I was still making necklaces in 2010 but had to stop selling them due to rules the government laid down...don't ask, even I don't understand it. During 2011 things started to make sense. Fire became my friend.  The art of soldering, that age old mystery, suddenly became clearer. Amazingly the moment of change in the flux and the right temperature of the metal and suddenly the flash of silver as the solder flows...wow, it's like alchemy.

So 2012 should be a duzy. I got myself a complete lapidary set, some rock and now I am well on the way to cutting my own stones and designing my own pendants, earrings and the like.  So that's where we came in!  Designing, not the easiest of things to do.

I usually begin with the stone that will form the focal point and then build the design around it.  So still not the easiest of things to do.  Once you have a focal point, play. Draw lines around it, fill in spaces, load other stones...it is endless.  I have a word of caution, a design usually doesn't just appear, it all takes practise. Swirls, dots and lines will begin to make sense when you play freely.   Don't stress if you can't fabricate a design, it will come.  In the meantime do what I did, make stuff from magazines, follow e-patterns and you will get the hang of it. The big stuff will come in time.

Christmas was lovely and quiet. Pressies for me!!!  We had a great lunch and lots of laughs. The snow of the previous week had all melted and the weather was 'warm' enough to let Tuppytoo out onto the balcony for half an hour.  I couldn't wait to open presents but John likes to eat first and then open presents later...much later!

I got a set of mineral make up blends.  The idea is you dust the powder onto your face in a swirling motion which releases a minute amount onto your skin so no clogging of pores, which means fewer spots and blemishes.  The obligatory socks and hot water bottle but in my case the freezing water bottle!  The socks are really cute, white with red hearts to match the cover of the water bottle!
You remember when you were a kid and there was that one thing you wanted, really wanted, and never got for Christmas.  Well for me it was a slab of toffee with a hammer to bash it into small pieces.  I really wanted one, not for the toffee but for the hammer!  Go figure. What I wanted it for, well I'll probably never know but I finally got that slab of toffee with the hammer and pulled a crown off with the first piece of toffee!!! Nothing to do with design I know but hey just thought I'd add it in...in case you want to lavish a gift or two on me!!!!

Back to design. I really went down the road of pressies because I bought myself 3 of the best pieces of equipment you could want, well that is if you want to make things that curve inside and out. I bagged a Eid Longhi anticlastic stake a Fretz goldsmith hammer and a Knew saw frame.  I know you probably think ... yawn.... but they are all beautifully design and the feel of the hammer is so much more different from all the others I have.  The hammer is light and very well balanced and the handle is so smooth it's a joy to use. Just remember to tap! The anticlastic stake is quite an interesting piece of equipment.  Unlike the metal stakes, this 'plastic stake' bends the metal when you hammer against it and doesn't stretch the metal as it would, hammering against a metal stake.  I finally got the message yesterday on the correct way to use it and what a dream.  The Knew saw frame is a joy to use as well, light and accurate because you have the piece to focus on and not a bulky frame that wobbles and gets in the way. The self tensioning screws are so simple in concept but who knew????  Well I guess they did!  I got the simplest frame and the second smallest depth because I use guillotine to cut longer, deeper cuts.  The saw takes standard blades and is easy to get the hang of.  So with the correct tools at the ready I am ready to make some good stuff!!! So back to design.

Chances are you have seen an artist who has ideas that flow.  Designing silver jewellery is somewhat the same.  The key is to feel the design.  If you set stones or not the feel of the silver and /or stone has a weird idea of what it wants to be.  Sounds a little crankie I know.  I felt the same way when I was told this but it has some merit.

If you are designing a stone set pendant for instance.  The shape and feel of the stone, together with the colour will bring you round to the design.  I read in a book..I think it was 'Silver threads' that the easiest way to see your design is to use carpet tape and have a sticky side up and the design underneath. Then you 'place' the components on the sticky tape in your desired design and you get a good idea of what the end piece will look like. (just an aside...it also means you can take your design 'head' with you any where you want to go and you shouldn't lose a component).  The other good point is don't be too precious about your components, well, except for big diamonds maybe!  I found in designing and making beaded necklaces, the moment I gave up on the idea of not using too many high cost items and just designing and making as if I were making things for myself, things just started to become more cohesive.  Designs just looked right and you could see I wasn't trying to get as many necklaces as possible out of a string of beads, the necklaces just looked better.

It's the same when I make greetings cards.  If I just make things, using all I have, the cards look really good.  Having said that, I'll never be a card designer just as I'll never really be a jewellery designer.  I'm not destined to be the next big thing like the big designer names you here about.  I will always be a hobbyist and will always dabble in design.  I can see things in my mind's eye and can translate that to paper. Now I am learning how to make the objects I see!

So that's my offering for now.  I hope you are encouraged to put pen to paper and play, who knows, you may be the next 'big thing'!!!

The Truth shall set you free

I promised myself that I would forget the bad things that happen to me.  In principle,it's a good thing to not hang onto bad experiences. It only makes you miserable and anxious.  However there was one incident that I cannot shake from my mind.  It happened in the office one Christmas.  We were all winding down, lots of happy people, pretty noisy as I recall.  I had had a particularly bad six months and was leaving the office to join another office in a nearby office block.  I had been experiencing the worst that people have to offer and quite frankly as glad to be leaving, not that the new office was going to be any better.

I had gone into the office managers office to say that the move was not personal and that I would be back when the jobs needed it.  I was met with a disinterested grunt.  Went back to my desk to pick up the remnants of my stuff. By this time the 2 managers were standing together.  I as ready to leave.  I walked over to the door and as I passed the managers I said goodbye.  The office manager flippantly remarked 'just go if you are going'.  It was said with such anger, hatred and malice.  It meant, go and don't come back. I was so shocked that the tears welled up.  I left feeling raw, even betrayed.

 I got to the new office my boss asked me what happened, so I told him.  He wanted HR involved immediately but I said I wasn't interested. During the afternoon the situation grew into a mountain.  HR was alerted to the problem.  I thought it was something that I had to get away from it all...I went home. That afternoon my boss said that it wasn't over, he was insistent that HR should question the office manager and as there was a witness, it would be an open/shut case. I on the other hand, just wanted the whole thing to blow over.  I did want an apology from the office manager as this was the second time he had 'abused ' his position.  Of course, what I didn't know was that he would later repeat the same performance with another member of staff.

When we came back from our break I asked HR to set up a meeting with the office manager, the manager who heard it, myself and HR.  This was duly done. I looked the office manager in the eye and asked 'why did you say what you did?' He looked at me and coldly said..'I didn't say anything to you'  I asked the manager 'witness' to repeat what happened that day.... He looked at me and said  'nothing happened'  he (office manager) just came to say goodbye and that was all.

What do you do when you are faced with two senior people, conspiring with each other to lie and make the victim look like a liar. Shocking.  The manager spent one afternoon, prior to the Christmas break ranting and yelling how much he hated the office manager. He shouted out that the manager didn't have a life and more expressive explitives'  Then spent the morning in question defending the bloke and making me look the liar.

Several months later I returned to the office to continue working on the previous project. The office manager don't want me there but I was given a desk near the manager.  Some time later we all moved to a new building.  The manager ranted that he didn't want to be anywhere near the office manger.  He told anyone who would listen how much he hated him.

One morning the manager knelt near my desk and began to apologise for what he did.  But shockingly he added 'if you tell HR about this apology I will deny everything'.  What's the point? There is nobody to tell who will be on my side so I had to let it out in my blog.

Now I can forget and move on with my life. The pain is locked up now and I can stretch myself and grow.  Just one question I can ask 'why lie when it causes such pain?' I think I know the answer.  Apart from trying to 'protect' the office manager as the incident would be recorded and it may impact his pending promotion...both rewarded for shocking behaviour. I think it goes back to childhood.  When a child does something wrong we as adults ask the child to tell the truth.  The child knows he is in trouble and will be punished, so he says 'I didn't do anything' So we stress that the child should tell the truth.  This may go on for a while.  Then we tell the child that nothing will happen to him if he tells the truth...so he does...what is the reaction we have...well we punish the child for the deed...however the child directly associates the punishment with the telling of the truth...so as adults lying when confronted, especially if there is a consequence!!!!!!!

Guys.....the truth will set you free but I'll still tell HR!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tribute to Tuppence

Life has a way of keeping you grounded.  During the month of December our hearts were broken twice.  First John's aunt died after an illness and that was difficult enough.  The funeral was a quiet one, mostly family and a few friends.  It was sad to know that we had intended to visit her but life just kept on getting in the way.  If it wasn't a puppy then it was a wedding and then the end of year festivities.  Life, it has a way of being there.

During 2010, Tuppy, our beloved seal point Persian showed signs of wanting to shy away from everyone and everything.  He took to sleeping on the top step, rolled up in a ball.  He didn't want to come up on the bed for grooming or stroking, he just wanted to be on his own.  Now really that in itself doesn't mean much except maybe he took exception to me scolding him for howling at 4am in the morning when John was trying to sleep!  For me I didn't mind if he howled all night, hang in fact I encouraged it by teaching him to howl 'hello' a sort of 'owlhool' came out really loudly.  I thought it was cute...John just thought it was annoying....especially at 4am!  I'll never know for sure what started Tuppy's strange behaviour, all I thought was that he was ill and was 'waiting to die'.  Ridiculous reasoning really but I knew there wasn't long to go.

Let me start at the beginning.... Tuppy was born on 22nd April 1997 up in Mossley..the hills where the moors are...really cold and bleak.  We drove there one afternoon after a week long discussion about moggie vs pedigree...pedigree won the day!  When John sat down in the lounge a little fur bundle wobbled over and sat in his lap and promptly went to sleep.  I on the other hand did the research thing...mother, father, surroundings...smell of urine etc.  You know those things you do when parting with a lot of cash for a pet.  The parents were beautiful persians, big bones and healthy looking.  Dad was well built and not fat but heavy enough, mom was cute as a button, long silky hair and the sweetest meow you'll ever hear.

When we returned to the lounge there was John reading the newspaper with a little fur ball on his lap....' I guess we'll have that one then' I said.  I really wanted both the kittens but didn't have more money so we settled for Tuppence.

He was sick from the moment we got home.  Sneezing and coughing with lids covering half his eyes.  You see I saw the parents but forgot to check the kids for fleas, colds, running eyes, nose etc.  We took him to the vet for a once over and the vet suggested we have him put down as he had feline influenza.  The words that strike fear in any breeder.  That illness can run through breeding cats and destroy them in weeks.  I asked the vet if he was in pain, no pain, I wasn't going to end his life.  And that was that.  He survived for 13 years and 8 months good going for a cat that was for the most part quite ill.

He fell out the upstairs window at around 4 months old piercing his eye on a thorn.  4 days into our honeymoon we came home because we were more lonely without him and we were concerned about leaving him at the vets for 2 weeks.  We began going on holiday in turns because we didn't want to put him in a cattery and get a cold again and end up dying while we were away.

He was the most lovable cat you could wish for.  He played games of fetch the ball of paper, chasing mice (toy ones!)  Rolled in the catnip I planted, hid under bushes and would jump out at you.  I think his best party trick was to let you know when he had used the loo.  A loud long meow followed by irrational jumping up doors or dashing about wildly if he had made a solid deposit...or a squeak if it was damp!  He would hang around to make sure you were on the case and if you didn't clean up straight away he would remind you quite loudly.

He never liked coming into the lounge and not being able to see my face.  If I was seated and using a lap desk he would sit by my legs and stroke my trouser leg and squeak.  He was relentless and it would go on for a long while until I set aside what I was doing, got up walked around the coffee table and sat down with him and stroked him...well for as long as he wanted...and that could be a long time!  If I went back to my seat and resumed what I was doing he would come back and squeak and stroke my trouser leg until the whole process was repeated.  I didn't mind giving him attention, especially in the last 6 months as I had a feeling he was going to die.  In fact I didn't begrudge him any attention at any time, even in the middle of the night...I could never ignore him...I loved him too much.  Poor John, lately he has had to take a back seat to the cat but I don't think he resented it too much, well maybe in the beginning.

At the beginning of December 2010, we had finally got his eye clear so he could see out of both eyes...it was nothing short of a miracle.  That day I asked the vet about his strange behaviour and if he was showing signs of preparing to die.  The vet looked at me as if I was off my head...why would an apparently well cat be dying?  I went away thinking maybe I was thinking too much and not paying enough attention to the here and now but it was still in the back of my mind.  Then we had John's aunt's funeral and we were approaching the holidays.

Christmas day came and Tuppy was brought down to the lounge.  He sat under the coffee table on a rolled up piece of velvet.  He hadn't eaten for around 20 hours and we were worried about him.  John gave him a plate of shredded duck and Tuppy tucked into it with gusto...we relaxed a bit...he had eaten.  He also had a teaspoon of custard and some water.  He went onto the balcony, howled at the moon and came back in...promptly going back to his bed at the top of the stairs.  John and I took turns giving him attention and stroking him...he purred like an engine.

On boxing day he hadn't eaten but he did drink water.  He nosed around in his biscuits maybe having one or two....but went back to his bed and slept.  By this time we had had his food and water etc right next to his bed on the top landing so he didn't need to go far for food etc.  The 26th and 27th were not much different. On the 28th I was really getting worried and said to John that when the vets opened the next day we should make an appointment to have him checked out.  On Wednesday the 29th we took him to the vets, he had lost a full kilogram and for a cat that was a lot...too much in fact.  The vet looked at me explaining that the yellow jaundicing which had appeared overnight was his liver and bile duct which may have been blocked.  I think he tried to make it sound not too bad by using all the medical terms and not directly saying 'he's dying'.  I asked for the long term prognosis and the response was 'not good'.  My heart sank.

They tried everything they could to save Tuppy but in the end his liver had no viable parts left and his blood had no clotting ability so even if they wanted to cut away the 'dead' liver parts he would bleed to death.  We went to see him everyday, trying to calm him and just give him attention and let him know we hadn't abandoned him.  The vets nurse said he was such a loving cat and she would look after him.  On the Friday afternoon I wanted to take Tuppy home as I knew it wouldn't be long.  I didn't want him to be frightened by the fireworks that night or be alone in a dark room, in a cage.  The vet said it would be better for Tuppy if he stayed on the fluid drip.

New years day was not a joyous day for us, John went out to play golf in the morning as I thought it would be good for him to get out a bit as he had been stuck inside for weeks, looking after both myself and the cat.  During midday the vet phoned to say that Tuppy had not eaten again and they were not hopeful but they would try vitamin B and an appetite stimulant... the stimulant had worked the day before but was dangerous if done two days in a row.  I said they could try but I didn't want Tuppy to suffer.  They phoned back around 3pm saying there was no hope, he had taken a turn and his situation was grave, he didn't have much time left.  They suggested we put him to sleep.

That drive to the vet hospital was one of the most heartbreaking drives I had experienced, well up there with the drive to my parents house just after my mom had died.  All around us people were going about their day each oblivious of anothers pain...it was just another day.

I held Tuppy in my arms and kissed his head, rubbing his nose with mine.  He had little strength left, very little energy but he nudged my nose as he had always done.  He was calm as he went to his final sleep.  His head bowed and his heart stopped...he was gone.  Rest in peace little one....

So you know the old saying 'everyone has a book inside them', well I thought just that.  I had to get that book out and entertain!  So I sat down at the keyboard, fingers poised over the keys....and nothing...absolutely nothing.  I couldn't even think of a funny joke or even the myriad of funny things that have happened to me over the years,...nothing.  Just a big fat blank screen with that cruel cursor...now I know why they call it that, flicking at me, mocking me with a big fat nothing.

So that wonderful novel will have to wait.  Those grand ideas I had of imparting knowledge to others, well that will also have to wait.

I did have one idea.  That little collet maker I bought and have had no success with.  I think I figured it out...place the wires in the slots and slide the 'sleeve' over the shape.  Solder the tips together.  Remove the 'sleeve'.  Take the basket off the form.   Solder the jump rings inside the basket.  Remove the unnecessary ends and form a seat at the top of the basket to hold the stone in place.  Solder onto the desired form or piece and set the stone.  Bingo!  Well almost.  I stupidly cut the wire to size. Placed it in the form, put the sleeve over the form and soldered the tip of the wires, which I had so neatly cut...disaster.  I now have a collet form with the wires stuck in it and I can't get them out without filing them.  What a disaster....

So along with the blank screen, the cursor mocking me,  I now have a collet maker which I can't use! Brilliant.  So if you have an idea of where I'm going with this let me know.  I'm sure I'll have another crafting disaster to share with you soon