The trials and tribulations of a detox

The days were yawning into short days and longer nights. I lay in bed exhausted and not really in the world. John had prepared to leave on his flight to Germany. I couldn’t even manage to lift my head….something had to change. I had spoken to my pain management specialist about 4 months ago, we both suggested that the Morphine Sulphate was not having a good effect on me and really having no bearing on the pain I experience. I suggested that I may try to see if it was doing anything for me but that was as far as we got. He had decided to discharge me from the clinic so I could easily detox in my own time with a GP’s help.
John left for Germany and I laid out my vast array of tablets for the week.   When you end up taking 10 different tablets just to get some sleep that surely indicated something wasn’t in balance.  In the morning, taking an almost lethal cocktail just to enable my body to feel less pain so I could get up, indicated that everything was out of balance. So at this point I realised that I wasn’t going to have enough Morphine Sulphate to last the full week thinking ‘this is it’ I had to give it a go. By Sunday I was really running out of morphine sulphate and it was closer to the pinch point. I slowly reduced the dose until by Sunday I was ready. John was back and I could really give it a go in safety.
I went to see the doctor on Tuesday afternoon to make sure I was doing things correctly.  He asked me if I wanted more so I could detox slowly.  I didn’t see the point of playing at it so I opted for a complete ‘cold turkey’ approach. I was by this time into day 2 and I was buzzing but not much else.  By the time we had got back home I had been sneezing and was really cold. Putting this down to a chill I went to bed to warm up. By that evening I was well into the detox and when they say it is painful, they really mean it.  I felt as if all the blood and marrow had drained out of my right hand side and was really uncomfortable.  You know that feeling you get after spending the night sleeping on your arm and shoulder and just after releasing but before the ‘pins and needles’…..that pain?  Well amplify that and you get the picture.  It was so painful that it kept me up all night.  I was determined to not give in and just get through it.  I can understand why heroin addicts cannot detox.  It is painful and your mind keeps telling you to take some more, anything to get rid of the pain! It was Wednesday…

Day 3 I felt so ill that I didn’t get up out of bed.  I shivered and then was too hot then sneezing, watery eyes and generally felt really rough. The goose bumps from shivering are in fact the reason it’s called ‘cold turkey’, something I didn’t really associate the detox with.  That graving for the morphine was now getting stronger but I am so much stronger than that so didn’t give in to it. At night the pain increased and man was it painful.  My brain had been busy during the day but now had nothing much to do but remind me of the most dreadful pain you can imagine. Well ladies I understand childbirth is more painful but you get the picture.
At last it was day 4.  This day seemed to be the most sever.  I wasn’t prepared for it really.  I gritted my teeth; I was not going to give in now. I had come through the bad days now just had to get through the worst 2 days and I would be fine.  I was so wrong! I didn’t know where to put my right arm. Up above my head, straight up, hanging down, chopping it off!  That would have helped but wasn’t an option. Boy was it so painful.  It was a pain I couldn’t explain, it was just there.  The best I could do was explaining it as before, all blood and marrow out of the arm, just before ‘pins and needles’.  My phantom cold got worse; I couldn’t stop yawing and my teary eyes? Well that was just a nuisance.  All I kept saying to myself was ‘patience girl, patience’. By the end of that evening the pain was so strong I had to take a pain killer… ah that worked not so bad now and in any case it was finally day 5.
Detoxing from a drug which essentially is heroin is no easy task. Day 5 brought with it its own problems.  I was really ill. I had what amounted to a severe cold with a head that ached. Nothing can prepare you for the pain. The day past without much movement from the bed. Day 6 was just as bad. Slowly but steadily the pain diminished. Nausea was replaced by not much interest in food. John said It was a good thing because I wouldn’t die of starvation…cheeky monkey! Day after day things improved but the sneezing and cold just wouldn’t go away.  Headaches were replaced with sinus problems.  What next I thought?  I knew that it would take a little more time to get over the worst. By this time it was day 7.

On day 8 there was a remarkable change. I had to eat.  I wasn’t hungry but wanted to devour everything in sight. The munchies had arrived.  I was really happy that the change had occurred because I knew that the worst was over. Day 9 and 10 were pretty much the same.  Eating everything in sight. It was so difficult to moderate the eating but I did try really hard and failed! Day 11 was a bummer, the cold was back.  Apatite was gone and patience was at its worst. That was the famous relapse that was mentioned in the withdrawal notes. If I could get through the next 2 days I would be well on the way to kicking the habit, so to speak! At this time I was down to 10mg every other day of the detox from the anti-depressant too.  It was a difficult decision to run the 2 detoxes in parallel but it was the only way to shake off the drugs that were causing so much harm to my body. I was warned that by day 10 I would slide into a low level depression. That did happen but I knew I had to do it in order that I come out the other side feeling like a person not a pain ridden, puffy, shadow of myself.
By the time the 3rd week had ended I was really feeling better. I had been taking the anti-inflammatory for 3 weeks and the pain had reduced enough that I could do a few things around the home.  I wasn’t so well cured that I could walk, run and jump but I was sufficiently pain free that I could go into my workshop and really work on the commissions I had received. If people had faith in me I could have faith in me too!  By the end of the 4th week I had stopped the anti-depressants and the morphine sulphate and things looked good.

I have had a few relapses since then. Depression is a hard one to beat and I don’t know how to improve it other than just be brave and keep at it. I’m not sure at this stage if the depression is a permanent thing in my life and I’ll just have to deal with it or if it is a by-product of stopping the two drugs together. It’s early days yet and I have to be patient, something I am not very good at. Since then I have had a cold again, the sneezing is a factor. I am told that the sneezing and shedding of cells in the vital organs will continue until there is very little trace of the morphine sulphate left. The pain is at a bearable and I have managed to be of more use around the house. Life is a little more eventful and maybe next week I can go to the silversmithing class again.  That is then and I’ll worry about it when the time comes.

What's in a design?

The concept of designing is quite frightening to most of us, me included!  When I began to make necklaces, I began with making very regular, well ordered and not really inspiring. Soon after my adventure into the Poynton Show and the fact that I didn't sell a single necklace (sold beads but nothing else) I decided that I needed divine inspiration.  That came in the form of a wholesale shop that sold really nice gemstone beads.  The selection was varied but nothing was exceptional.  However I did begin to combine different beads and large silver accent beads. The upshot of that adventure meant selling lots more necklaces. I still felt that I wasn't making really good works of art! I did learn that making works of art really doesn't sell well.

In 2009 I began classes in silversmithing at the local Guild. We are really lucky to have a guild and to be able to do further adult education, just down the road, what a pleasure.  I began by making a letter opener for my husband .  The first feel of the silver was weird. I could imagine what I wanted, whether or not I could make it remained to be seen! A year later and a letter opener was produced!..umm to mild acclaim.

In 2009 I wanted to start making things to sell. I was still making necklaces in 2010 but had to stop selling them due to rules the government laid down...don't ask, even I don't understand it. During 2011 things started to make sense. Fire became my friend.  The art of soldering, that age old mystery, suddenly became clearer. Amazingly the moment of change in the flux and the right temperature of the metal and suddenly the flash of silver as the solder flows...wow, it's like alchemy.

So 2012 should be a duzy. I got myself a complete lapidary set, some rock and now I am well on the way to cutting my own stones and designing my own pendants, earrings and the like.  So that's where we came in!  Designing, not the easiest of things to do.

I usually begin with the stone that will form the focal point and then build the design around it.  So still not the easiest of things to do.  Once you have a focal point, play. Draw lines around it, fill in spaces, load other stones...it is endless.  I have a word of caution, a design usually doesn't just appear, it all takes practise. Swirls, dots and lines will begin to make sense when you play freely.   Don't stress if you can't fabricate a design, it will come.  In the meantime do what I did, make stuff from magazines, follow e-patterns and you will get the hang of it. The big stuff will come in time.

Christmas was lovely and quiet. Pressies for me!!!  We had a great lunch and lots of laughs. The snow of the previous week had all melted and the weather was 'warm' enough to let Tuppytoo out onto the balcony for half an hour.  I couldn't wait to open presents but John likes to eat first and then open presents later...much later!

I got a set of mineral make up blends.  The idea is you dust the powder onto your face in a swirling motion which releases a minute amount onto your skin so no clogging of pores, which means fewer spots and blemishes.  The obligatory socks and hot water bottle but in my case the freezing water bottle!  The socks are really cute, white with red hearts to match the cover of the water bottle!
You remember when you were a kid and there was that one thing you wanted, really wanted, and never got for Christmas.  Well for me it was a slab of toffee with a hammer to bash it into small pieces.  I really wanted one, not for the toffee but for the hammer!  Go figure. What I wanted it for, well I'll probably never know but I finally got that slab of toffee with the hammer and pulled a crown off with the first piece of toffee!!! Nothing to do with design I know but hey just thought I'd add it in...in case you want to lavish a gift or two on me!!!!

Back to design. I really went down the road of pressies because I bought myself 3 of the best pieces of equipment you could want, well that is if you want to make things that curve inside and out. I bagged a Eid Longhi anticlastic stake a Fretz goldsmith hammer and a Knew saw frame.  I know you probably think ... yawn.... but they are all beautifully design and the feel of the hammer is so much more different from all the others I have.  The hammer is light and very well balanced and the handle is so smooth it's a joy to use. Just remember to tap! The anticlastic stake is quite an interesting piece of equipment.  Unlike the metal stakes, this 'plastic stake' bends the metal when you hammer against it and doesn't stretch the metal as it would, hammering against a metal stake.  I finally got the message yesterday on the correct way to use it and what a dream.  The Knew saw frame is a joy to use as well, light and accurate because you have the piece to focus on and not a bulky frame that wobbles and gets in the way. The self tensioning screws are so simple in concept but who knew????  Well I guess they did!  I got the simplest frame and the second smallest depth because I use guillotine to cut longer, deeper cuts.  The saw takes standard blades and is easy to get the hang of.  So with the correct tools at the ready I am ready to make some good stuff!!! So back to design.

Chances are you have seen an artist who has ideas that flow.  Designing silver jewellery is somewhat the same.  The key is to feel the design.  If you set stones or not the feel of the silver and /or stone has a weird idea of what it wants to be.  Sounds a little crankie I know.  I felt the same way when I was told this but it has some merit.

If you are designing a stone set pendant for instance.  The shape and feel of the stone, together with the colour will bring you round to the design.  I read in a book..I think it was 'Silver threads' that the easiest way to see your design is to use carpet tape and have a sticky side up and the design underneath. Then you 'place' the components on the sticky tape in your desired design and you get a good idea of what the end piece will look like. (just an aside...it also means you can take your design 'head' with you any where you want to go and you shouldn't lose a component).  The other good point is don't be too precious about your components, well, except for big diamonds maybe!  I found in designing and making beaded necklaces, the moment I gave up on the idea of not using too many high cost items and just designing and making as if I were making things for myself, things just started to become more cohesive.  Designs just looked right and you could see I wasn't trying to get as many necklaces as possible out of a string of beads, the necklaces just looked better.

It's the same when I make greetings cards.  If I just make things, using all I have, the cards look really good.  Having said that, I'll never be a card designer just as I'll never really be a jewellery designer.  I'm not destined to be the next big thing like the big designer names you here about.  I will always be a hobbyist and will always dabble in design.  I can see things in my mind's eye and can translate that to paper. Now I am learning how to make the objects I see!

So that's my offering for now.  I hope you are encouraged to put pen to paper and play, who knows, you may be the next 'big thing'!!!